Once I was younger, I used to be bullied quite a bit at college. It’s not one thing I take into consideration quite a bit. In reality, I’ve blocked a variety of it from my reminiscences. I’m the form of one who tends to look forwards and by no means backward. However I do suppose it explains quite a bit about who I’m as an grownup as we speak.
I do know I used to be a bizarre child with bizarre tastes who liked to stand up to no good and push as many buttons as attainable. Feeling like an outcast and an underdog, I by no means felt a part of a gaggle. I bear in mind well-liked children throwing peanuts at me throughout lunch (I used to be, and nonetheless am, tremendous allergic to them), and I by no means went to promenade or homecoming. It didn’t assist that I might flip round and yell at them that at some point they’d be washing my automobile.
In my small rural city in Virginia, I at all times felt like a black sheep. I knew I at all times wished to flee and see the world. I dreamed of getting an enormous life filled with journey and enjoyable tales. To be my very own heroine. I used to be an solely baby rising up with an enormous creativeness. Oftentimes I discover myself reflecting on the truth that I really feel very fortunate to be a part of the final era who grew up with out smartphones or social media. So very fortunate.
I’ve at all times thought-about myself to be introverted. In reality, I used to be just lately recognized with extreme social anxiousness. That explains quite a bit! Once I inform individuals this, it’s usually met with disbelief. I get it. I’ve gotten actually good at being a pretend extrovert for my work. However the actuality is that I have to relaxation and recharge alone with a purpose to perform nicely. Even now, in any case this time, I nonetheless contemplate myself a stranger peering right into a social world that feels international to me.
Typically I ponder if the truth that I nonetheless behave like an outsider stems from all of those tales. I could appear open, and I’m in some ways, however I’m really fairly solitary. I attempt by no means to ask for assist, believing I don’t deserve it, that I’m nonetheless that odd duckling consuming lunch by herself. I ponder why? What made me like that? I can so clearly see how I’ve turn into the form of one who stubbornly refuses all assist. I can handle myself, thankyouverymuch.
In saying that, the previous eight months have taught me how a lot I want my family and friends. I completely hate it, however I’ve needed to lean on so many individuals, and it surprises me each time that folks present up and look after me. I feel I anticipate abandonment; isn’t that terribly unhappy? And now greater than ever. How can we get well from betrayals as adults?
I can really feel my story shifting beneath my pores and skin of who I’m versus who I inform myself I’m. I really feel like, over the course of my life, I grew to become very guarded, however this previous yr has ripped me to items.
As I rebuild my life, I discover myself wanting to cover greater than ever to guard myself. The reality is I’ve really realized the alternative is healthier for me. Maybe that pleasure I’m searching for is past my partitions, and to dwell extra overtly is definitely much less scary and painful than I had imagined.
Maybe it’s time to let individuals in once more.