‘This Man Wins Race After Taking Insurmountable One-Inch Lead’

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NEW YORK– The crew over on the Fox Information Choice Desk continues to impress as they instantly known as a 100-meter sprinting race after one inch had been accomplished.

It was a fourth of a second
after the starter’s pistol fired when Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum sat up in
their chairs because the Fox “alert” graphic made a dramatic sound.

“Okay, everybody.  We’re
simply now getting phrase that Stephen Younger has received the race.  We’re calling
it now.  It’s executed.  Everybody cease wanting on the race,” Bret Baier
stated earlier than throwing it to Invoice Hemmer.

“We’re calling it for Stephen Younger as a result of have a look proper right here,” Hemmer stated, zooming right into a nonetheless shot of the runner.  “Okay, proper right here is Stephen’s knee.  Simply north of his shin.  You see this slight lead his knee has over the opposite sprinters?  Fox Information has decided this one-inch lead will merely be insurmountable based mostly on our modeling.”

Katie Pavlich then interjected and requested why everybody at Fox was being so “intentionally silly and corrupt.”

“Katie, in the event you don’t perceive, you’re most likely a Russian agent,” Hemmer sighed.  “What you don’t know is that Stephen already received as a result of a ballot stated he at all times turns the final nook tremendous quick, most likely. Plus, we expect a pipe within the toilet has simply burst.”

Regardless of the opposite racers finally passing Stephen, Fox Information held agency on their prediction.  “Oh, right here comes the wild and harmful conspiracy theories now,” Chris Wallace moaned.  “Anybody saying Stephen isn’t the winner hurts sports activities, the Olympics, and most significantly, my emotions.”  

Replace:  Wallace
grew to become so upset, he requested a name from Joe Biden to consolation him with a
lullaby
.

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